Have you ever heard someone say, “Oh, we never fight”?
Maybe you overheard it at a coffee shop or when you were hanging out with friends. It might sound like the perfect relational bliss, but deep down, you know it can’t be true. Every relationship has disagreements.
Have you been worried that you and your partner fight too much? Or maybe, when you do fight, things seem to escalate, leaving you both more hurt and disconnected than before?
Every relationship is made up of individual people, each with their own history, past experiences, and emotional wounds. This means that conflict is bound to happen. The truth is that it’s not about IF you fight, it’s about HOW you get through the conflict. In fact, conflict can actually help bring you closer and make your relationship stronger.
Let’s look at a few ways you can fight fair and help your relationship thrive.
Listen Empathetically
Listening is one of the most important skills in a relationship. It means really hearing what your partner is saying and understanding their feelings.
- Active Listening: Focus on your partner when they speak. Try not to think about what you’re going to say next. Show you are listening by nodding or saying things like, “I understand.”
- Reflective Listening: Repeat back what your partner said in your own words. For example, “I heard you say you felt upset when I didn’t call back?” Then, ask for confirmation that this was what they intended to say. “Is that correct?”.
- I Statements: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, say, “I feel hurt when you don’t respond,” instead of “You never listen to me.“
When you practice these types of listening, you create a safe space for your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. This helps build trust and reduces misunderstandings.
Take a Break When Needed
Sometimes, arguments can get too heated. When this happens, it’s okay to take a break. It’s a good idea to set up some “rules of engagement” for conflict within your relationship so that there’s a protocol for when someone needs to take a step back for a moment. You can establish these parameters either together as a couple or with your therapist in couples therapy.
Tell your partner you need some time to cool down and agree on a time to talk again. This can help both of you calm down and think more clearly.
Taking a break doesn’t mean you are avoiding the problem. It means you are giving yourselves a chance to calm down and come back to the discussion with a clearer mind. Remember to set a specific time to resume the conversation so that all of you know the issue will be addressed.
Use Coping Skills Like Deep Breathing
When you are upset, your body reacts. You might feel your heart racing or your muscles tensing. This is your body responding to the current situation.
When you feel your body escalating, try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth a few times. This can help you stay calm and keep the conversation from getting out of control.
Deep breathing is a simple yet powerful tool. It can help slow your heart rate and bring more oxygen to your brain, making it easier to think clearly and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
You can also try other coping skills, such as counting to ten, taking a short walk, or practicing mindfulness.
Think About the Issue as “Us vs. The Problem”, Not “Me vs. You”
It’s important to see the problem as something you both need to solve together, NOT as a battle between you and your partner.
The way you think about the problem greatly influences your thoughts and feelings.
Think about the problem as a separate entity outside of you and your partner. In this way, you are working together to solve the problem instead of the problem being in between you.
If the division of housework is causing conflict, try saying “We both seem stressed about the housework. How can we tackle it together?” This way, you are working as a team to solve the problem.
This shift in perspective can make a big difference. It turns a potential source of division into an opportunity for teamwork and collaboration. When you work together to solve a problem, you build a stronger bond and create a sense of partnership.
Avoid Words Like “Always” and “Never”
Using words like “always” and “never” can make your partner feel attacked. These words are usually exaggerated and can make your partner defensive.
Instead of saying, “You never appreciate what I do,” try, “I felt unappreciated yesterday when you didn’t say thank you for dinner.”
Focusing on specific behaviors and feelings helps keep the conversation grounded in reality and makes it easier for your partner to understand and respond to your concerns.
Be Curious
If you find yourself getting angry, take a moment to think about why. Anger often hides other feelings like sadness, fear, or hurt. Be curious about what’s going on inside you. The same goes for your partner. Ask questions to understand their feelings better.
If your partner snaps at you, instead of snapping back, you could say, “You seem really upset. Can you tell me what’s bothering you?“
Being curious instead of judgmental opens the door to deeper understanding and empathy. It helps you connect with your partner on a more meaningful level and can lead to more productive conversations.
Seek Professional Help When Needed
Sometimes, conflicts can be too complex or deeply rooted to resolve on your own. If you find that you and your partner are struggling to communicate or resolve conflicts, it might be helpful to seek professional help. A relationship therapist can provide guidance and tools to help you improve your communication and resolve conflicts more effectively.
Here at The Center For Couples and Sex Therapy, we understand relationships. Whether you’re struggling with communication, sexual connection, or infidelity, our expert therapists know how to help you find your way back to each other. It’ll require some hard work, but we’re here to help you do the heavy lifting.
Less conflict and more peace are achievable goals. By learning to fight fair, you can turn conflicts into opportunities for growth and deepen your bond as a couple.
Schedule a consult with us today and take the first step to learning how to navigate conflict in your relationship.
