How Setting Limits Can Bring You Closer in Love (and Life!)
The word “boundaries” often gets a bad rap. It can sometimes sound harsh, cold, or even selfish. When you hear someone say they need to set boundaries, it might bring up feelings of distance or rejection.
But what if I told you that boundaries are actually one of the best ways to protect your relationship and keep it healthy?
In reality, boundaries aren’t walls meant to push people away. They’re more like fences with gates designed to let the good things in and keep the bad things out. They serve a purpose to protect what matters most — your relationship, your time, your energy — so that you and your partner can be healthy and connected.
Let’s use an example of a garden to show how boundaries are a good thing.
Think about a garden without a fence or something on the perimeter. Anything could wander in — animals, weeds, or even people trampling over the flowers you’ve worked so hard to plant.
Now picture the same garden with a simple fence. The flowers have room to bloom because you’ve protected them. You can decide what to let in — people who will help, water when needed, sunshine to keep things healthy – and what to keep out, like pests or anything that would cause harm.
Boundaries in your relationship work the same way. They do not mean keeping your partner at arm’s length. They help to create a safe, nurturing environment where your love can grow.
Life Without Boundaries: The Mess It Creates
Let’s look at what happens when there are no boundaries in a relationship.
Imagine a couple that loves each other, but they’ve never talked about what they need to feel secure or respected. One partner feels anxious whenever their partner’s friends invite them out. But they never say anything, hoping the partner will somehow “know” what they are thinking.
On the other hand, the other partner feels overwhelmed by the constant texting while at work and responds because he doesn’t want to upset anyone even though it’s distracting. Both are slowly building up resentment, but neither says a word.
Without boundaries, their relationship becomes a tangle of unspoken expectations and growing frustration. They don’t talk about what they need, and they don’t respect each other’s space. Over time, this creates distance between them, even though neither meant for it to happen.
A Relationship With Healthy Boundaries
Now let’s picture another couple. They’ve been together for a few years, and they’ve learned to talk openly about what makes them feel supported. When one needs alone time after work to unwind, the other person respects that and gives space, knowing they’ll return feeling more relaxed and ready to connect.
When one partner is out with friends, they let the other know the time they’ll be home, so no one is worried or feels ignored. They’ve talked about their needs. And they make choices that honor both their individuality and their relationship.
With clear boundaries, their relationship feels balanced. All partners know they can trust each other, and there’s no need for guessing games or resentment.
Boundaries in All Areas of Life
Setting boundaries in a relationship doesn’t just mean saying “no” to your partner. It means protecting your relationship from outside pressures too.
Boundaries With Each Other
Healthy boundaries with your partner can include things like:
- Time for yourself to recharge.
- Open communication about your emotional needs.
- Respecting each other’s personal space and interests.
- Agreeing on how to handle disagreements, so they don’t spiral into bigger issues.
Boundaries in the Bedroom
Setting boundaries in the bedroom is just as important as in other parts of your relationship. A healthy sexual relationship is built on trust, open communication, and mutual respect. When you and your partner talk about what you need, what you like, and what your limits are, it creates a safe environment where intimacy can flourish.
Boundaries in the bedroom might look like:
- Consent and comfort. This means making sure both of you are comfortable with what’s happening and being clear about what’s okay and what’s not.
- Communicating desires by sharing what you enjoy and what makes you feel connected.
- Respecting limits. If one of you isn’t in the mood or feels uncomfortable with a certain act, it’s important to respect that without guilt or pressure.
- Emotional boundaries. Intimacy can bring up vulnerable emotions. Having boundaries means being aware of emotional needs during and after sex, and checking in with each other to make sure both of you feel safe and valued.
Setting these boundaries doesn’t make sex less exciting—it makes it more meaningful.
When you know you’re both on the same page, it allows you to relax and enjoy a deeper connection with your partner.
Boundaries With Others (Hello, In-Laws!)
Do your family or friends have strong opinions about your relationship? Do your in-laws always have something to say?
Although this is completely normal and can be healthy, it’s important to protect your bond from outside interference. This might mean setting limits on who has a say in your relationships and the details you share about your relationship with others.
Examples of healthy boundaries here could be:
- Letting family know when visits are welcome.
- Agreeing with your partner on what’s private in your relationship.
- Respectfully declining advice you didn’t ask for.
Boundaries With Technology
Technology can be both a blessing and a curse for relationships. How often do you get sucked into your phone and ignore the person sitting next to you? (looking at you, TikTok and Instagram reels!)
Or maybe one of you feels like the other is glued to social media or constantly checking work emails.
Healthy boundaries around technology might look like this:
- No phones at meals.
- Setting a time each evening to unplug and focus on each other.
- Agreeing to limit social media use when you’re spending time together.
- No phones in the bedroom.
Boundaries With Kids
If you have children, they can easily take over every part of your life, leaving little room for your relationship. But for your relationship to stay strong, it’s important to carve out time for just you.
Healthy boundaries with kids could be:
- Having regular date nights without the kids.
- Setting clear rules about bedtime, so you have alone time in the evenings.
- Letting your kids know that your relationship is important and it’s okay for you to take time for each other.
Boundaries With Work/Career
It’s so easy to let work spill over into your personal life, especially with emails and calls happening after hours. This can lead to stress and make it hard to focus on your partner.
Healthy work boundaries might include:
- Setting a “work cut-off” time in the evening, when you stop answering emails or thinking about work.
- Discussing how much time you’re both comfortable spending on work versus time spent together.
- Protecting your weekends or vacations as work-free zones when possible.
If setting boundaries feels difficult, or if you’re not sure where to start, working with a therapist can help. A relationship therapist can guide you through conversations about boundaries, helping you and your partner understand each other’s needs and how to protect your relationship from outside pressures.
In therapy, you can learn how to communicate more effectively, set healthy limits, and create a relationship where both of you feel respected and secure.
Boundaries don’t have to be scary. In fact, they’re one of the best ways to keep your love strong and your connection close.
